Ah, forgot to include the disclaimer:

WARNING: These are genuine CraigsList posts in their entirety, including horrible images of sometimes hideous people engaging in sometimes terrifying behavior. I am not responsible for the content of these pages, and advise you not to view them in an environment in which such actions would get you into trouble.

A lil’ fun mam? – m4w – 23

I’m loving the crotch-level lamp, and the lens flare glancing across his thinly-veiled cock. Why is it down there? Does the cock need a reading light?

Seeking fun hot lady to sit on this – m4w – 35

That’s really poorly-formed haiku. How about something more like:

in the rain, my cock
looking for horny, fun girl
very cool and nice

The shadow kind of makes it look like it was photoshopped in, like Hussein’s cock in the South Park movie.

cute – w4m – 19 (Midtown West)

Fuck off. Not only are you sending the feminist movement back about four or five decades, but, uh, what the hell incentive is there for the person doing the spoiling?

Unless, of course, you really mean that you’d like someone to open you and leave you out on a sunny day unrefrigerated.

(CL Search Results Page)

You don’t need to click any of the links, but check the descriptions and locations and you’ll notice nearly all of these seem to come from the same guy. Dude, get a fucking life.

Be honest,Is it the picture? – m4w – 39

Yes, it’s the picture. Hunched, clutching your pug, standing next to your fat, cartoonish neighbor isn’t exactly going to be setting any panties awash with the glistening nectar of arousal. This might fly if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, but if you’re wanting to exchange oral sex with no strings attached, this doesn’t exactly scream SUCK MY COCK or anything.

Could I just have your Semen – 28

Wait, you aren’t going to charge me? I suppose that means “until I sue you for paternity in nine months”. What the cock is this shit, anyway? I’m supposed to just trust that you’re not going to create some kind of abomination with it and ruin the rest of my life just because, I dunno, both of my hands were somehow inoperable? A quick glance-through of the rough mentality of the people who post in the personals section, and somehow “give your sperm to CraigsList” doesn’t really strike me as the best idea.

An Anonymous Anal Playmate – m4w

Yeah, “non violent”. Until you get to the pictures. I mean, I’m sure you can find an eager taker for this offer, but I think you might be misrepresenting yourself a little in your description if this is what you’re looking for.

sexy muscle guy seeking no string – m4mw – 33

I am seeking no string. No. NO! Listen, bitch, I’m looking for TWINE, okay? No string. NO STRING. Got that?

Good that he informs us that he’s “100% here.” Often, with this type, you get 70% here, 80% at best. When they have a phantom lung or foot, or a dimensionally-displaced forearm or heart, you can find you wind up with a lot of unexpected problems.

The geometries and angles in his cock pic are baffling. Is it enormous and growing out of his abdomen? Tiny and growing out of his knuckle, but close to the camera? Two feet long and growing out of the expected location, but the base is obfuscated by his disproportionately tiny and oddly-angled arm?

Does your bush scare most men… Then I’m your man! – m4ww – 23

“I trim off the shaft” is a rather disturbing line. I’m picturing that the entire penis is lined with a thick fur, and he carefully landscapes around the shaft with fingernail scissors. Maybe he styles it like a bonsai. I don’t know what he does with the hair on the head of it, though. Maybe he styles it… combs it back down the shaft. Braids it?

Maybe he’s a black bear. “Don’t worry about the protective spines lining my penis – I keep them trimmed. Oh, and I have to host. It’s winter, see. Hibernating. You know. Be forewarned: I’ll probably fall asleep right afterward.”

And the pictures. Well. They’re… certainly there, aren’t they?

Demolition Expert Wanted for Temporary Erection Today – m4w – 55 (Midtown)

Is he looking for someone to blow up his cock? A better title for his ad might be: “Person to do like what a thing that puts objects into its orifices wanted for guy with shitty metaphors – m4w – 55″

Really Honry! – m4m – 34

REALLY HONRY!

Honry the Eighth I am, I am, Honry the Eighth I am.

Beautiful Somking Rob – $50

Why, yes, I could definitely use a somking rob, especially with red disgin. You have no idea how many times I have to remove the effects of gin from things, but you can only ever find green disgin. It would be very pleasant to have a nice red disgin around for such purposes. Pleasing to the eye.

Okay, so he can spell “beautiful” and “interested” and “condition” and “believe” without typos, but fails spectacularly and repeatedly on “smoking” and “robe”.

2 black men want to play in your tight white pink pussy – mm4w – 69

I’m sorry, what? I’m afraid I don’t fully follow. Would I be providing a secured pussy loan, or…? Will you be bringing your credit scores? I don’t think I can view them if I’m not some sort of financial institution.

They will also, they note, be providing you the “GIANT BLUE ANIME ROBOT” orgasm.

GUYS : …………………… shit while i lick your ass – m4m – 27 (Midtown)

I feel like e-mailing him and telling him “no”, just so I can be entirely sure it’s never going to happen.

The scary part is that he’s so into this he’s taken the time to craft a custom toilet seat to put over his face. I’m hoping this will be the single technological achievement that survives the inevitable apocalypse long enough to be discovered by alien archaeologists.

looking for a warm-up girl – m4w – 26 (Chelsea)

GYAH. What the… fuck? It’s like he has whole Thanksgiving turkeys for thighs. They’re like Popeye-style caricatures of heavily-developed thighs.

“Looking for a warm-up girl. I need to crush a few heads with these before every workout.”

Wedgie Exchange – m4m – 25

I’ll give you two wedgies for ten euros and four dollars CDN.

I wanna phone fuck!!! – w4w – 28 (East Village)

“My 8” loader needs to go now!!!” Is she talking about her laserdisc player, or is “loader” some weird slang for a penis or vagina of which I’ve been until now unaware?

HOT BUNZ LOOKING FOR BIG GAY/BI/STR8 SAUSAGE – m4m – 29

I can picture him screaming this at the cashier at, say, a Nathan’s, like he’s speaking in all caps. SUP HOT BUNZ LOOKING FOR BIG GAY BI STR8 SAUSAGE SMOOTH TONED TANNED. LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN. HOT DOG HOT DOG HOT DOG. And then he puts his ass up on the counter and demands a sausage be placed in it.

LET’S FUCK, BRO!

Jabberwock

I’m pleased (for certain definitions) to introduce a new feature, here, at EtJ: NO STRING.

Of late, I’ve been trolling CraigsList, often with friends online, to find amusing and entertaining posts, usually for the purposes of mockery. Sometimes it’s atrocious grammar or spelling that completely changes the intended meanings of the posts. Sometimes it’s horrible, blinding images posted by people compensating for hideousness with exhibitionism. Sometimes, it’s just fucking creepy. But it’s always a treasure trove, and I’ve decided to share it with all of you.

So, I’ll be mirroring some of the best posts from CraigsList (since the original posts are, in fact, time sensitive) and posting links to them here with commentary. To be on the safe side, please consider this entire feature Not Safe For Work, and click the links at your own risk. We are not responsible for any psychological or employment damage resulting from mirrored CraigsList content.

Don’t You Want To – w4mm

Don’t I want to correct your goddamned grammar. You Do Not Need To Capitalize Every Fucking Word In Every Sentence You Write, and apostrophes are NEVER used for pluralization. I can’t imagine calling someone with this kind of grammar a “Goddess” while keeping a straight face. Though, maybe that’s the point…

P.S. – 150lbs my ass.

3-some wanted and I love eating pussy – m4mw

180pond? Is he filled with small bodies of still water? Perhaps this man is Minnesota, the Land o’ Lakes.

Cute Guy SEEKING SWF With Nice Tits for FWB relationship… not BBW – m4w – 35

Cute Guy seeking SWF former FBI CIA IRS With Nice Tits for FWB NSA relationship… not BBW – Has BA, Will BBQ, Am Trained EMF, TNT in bed (will make you go OMG), STD free – Additional Info TBA

>>>>>>>>>>> real face pic >> ladies l – 19

Does he mean ages 1 – 19? Hrmm. Yeah, he looks like he’d fuck a baby.

Maybe he could get in touch with Mistress Gothy McCleavagetits up above to borrow some fucking apostrophes.

Ate some of wife’s scat – she didn’t know – mw4m – 36

“Dear Penthouse,

I never thought it could happen to me, but…”

I’m kind of curious as to how he managed to pull this off without her noticing. “Oh, wait, honey, before you flush…”

Sexy Couple Seeks Bi Fem Carpenter – mw4w – 29

This is an interesting request. Maybe it’s some sort of metaphor?

Boobs and Brains – m4w

He’s not looking for a relationship, he’s trying to reanimate the corpse of his dead, flat-chested girlfriend.

Discreet, Short & Skinny Boy with Hairy Hole needs a Pounding – m4m – 29

Isn’t this just a screencap from Borat? Thing looks like fuckin’ Snuffleupagus. I can’t imagine being tempted to shove my dick into this, no matter how gay, kinky or desperate.

bukakkee party thursday night – w4mm – 27

Is this anything like bukkake? Maybe bukakkee is the plural form.

RU A Small Handed Woman, Would U Fist Me? – m4mw – 39

“[S]huttering load”? Does it sound like he’s taking pictures while he’s spurting? “Here, lemme just adjust my aperture settings, here…” *chk-splork* *chk-splork* *chk-splork* “Hrmm, my white balance seems off today…”

Cocksucking group Lunchtime Tuesday – m4m – 34

“Hey, wanna go out for lunch Tuesday? I’m meeting my book club – wanna come along?” “Aww, Tuesday’s my cocksucking group. Sorry, can’t.”

They also appear to have a pretty strict admittance policy.

Hot Blonde Goddess sks. Rockin’ PrettyBoy Live-In LoveSlave – w4m (East Village)

The,only,thing,she’s,the,goddess,of,is,using a comma instead of her space bar.

I can barely read that shit.

Ladies..I want to Cum on Your Pics – m4w – 30

Gyah, why?

SODOMY – m4w

Hi, I’d like to invite you to my church.

It’s an interesting angle, at least. “Learn to find God through me fucking you in the ass.”

The patch of hair above his ass really makes it. It’s so… majestic. Y’know, like a lowland gorilla.

ok my i need to have sex my girlfriend is’nt in the mood becuase – m4w – 21

Uh, dude… masturbate? Jesus. Do you HAVE to shove your dick in something?

I WANT A BBW…..(all women apply) – m4w – 23

“hope u like mines….” And caves? Let’s go spelunking!

Though, he is looking for a BBW. “I’m going to extract ore from your enormous pussy, and melt it down to extract its pure elements.”

BIG IRISH Cock Seeking… – m4w – 35

Not me – just the cock. It’s in its 30s, 6 (inches), 185lbs. (Average size, but it’s made of depleted uranium, see.)

straight and to the point – m4w – 22

What the fuck is this a picture of? I mean, obviously a cock, but it looks like some kind of fish, or a reflection of a lighthouse. What’s with the hood near the far right tip? Is it wearing a little hood? Is this Little Red Riding Cock? “My, what big teeth you have!”

Male Hobo here

…

****** READY FOR ALL U WANT MMMMMMMM – m4m – 27 (Inwood / Wash Hts)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

“By the way, I’ll be making this exact noise during anal sex. (I don’t have a mouth – it’s a medical condition.)”

2000 a month for Pretty Girl with a TWIST – m4w – 30

Posted by M. Night Shyamalan. Either that or he’s looking for a woman with scoliosis.

Bed for cheatin couples – m4mw – 36

I want my own amateur seedy motel, too!

Any Uncomplicated girl out there? – m4w – 27 (Upper West Side)

He’s looking for nice curbs. If you’re interested, he’s going to go to your house and examine where your sidewalk meets the street. Then he’s going to ram his monster cock into it.

Midown Hotel — Horny cocksucker – m4m – 60 (Midtown West)

Is he selling blowjobs or no-stick cookware?

morning blowjob – m4w – 23

That’s either Photoshop, a camera trick, or his cock is bigger than his forearm. Come on, dude. WE CAN TELL.

Salsa & Meringue – m4w – 30 (SoHo)

Salsa, and cooked egg whites. He’s not interested in two different kinds of dances, he’s trying to find two different kinds of food. Doesn’t help that he closes with “Chow.”

do you want your g/f to sceam – m4mw – 29

I much prefer when she goans and moas, actually.

Sexually Inadequate – m4w

…speaks for itself. I guess he should be commended for his honesty.

DO MY STR8 ANUS – m4m – 40 (Downtown)

My anus isn’t good enough to be STR8. Mine’s more a STR6 – STR7 at best.

Someone to take my boyfriends virginity? – 23

…huh. That’s… an unusual request. Why are people so caught up in who’s whose “first”? What does it matter? REJECT SUPEREGO, KIDS.

i what to jerk off on your body 8 1/2

“What do we what?”

“To jerk off on your body 8 1/2!”

“When do we what it?”

“Now!”

I want to suck dick (Inwood / Wash Hts)

“…or maybe something else…”? What, like, an old kitchen sponge? A t-shirt? Carpet? A pineapple? Chicken, corn, green peppers, chile… *sigh* …onions? Used tampons?

And finally, we have the post that inspired the name for this new feature:

NO STRING

NO STRING

You know, I don’t think he’s looking for a relationship. I think he’s just announcing that he’s finally a real boy.

Thanks to Rachael for help with some of the riffs on this installment, and for showing me most of these posts.

Jabberwock